Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
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He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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