If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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