I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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