Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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