you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
