she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
