Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
