I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The power of my boobs compel you
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can feel your judgement through the phone
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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