I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
