Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
