I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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