Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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