Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
