i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
