im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
