We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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