I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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