I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
