new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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