dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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