I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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