I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
