Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Pooping to opera.
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