Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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