I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
