Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
