can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
