Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
