So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
