Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
