My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
