No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
