I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
