at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
