Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
