Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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