i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
