She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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