apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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