Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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