I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
