At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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