I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
