help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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