I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it's like iHOP with fire
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
