I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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