dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
