Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
