By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
