Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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