she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
