I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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