Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
