is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
